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Businessman dangling on threadsWhen you first start chatting with a potential date online before meeting in person, it’s crucial to be able to identify controlling personality traits early on. The sooner you can pick up on these clues the easier it will be to ditch that person before it gets too involved. Once you start learning the personality traits you will be able to detect a controlling/ manipulating behavior very easily. it will save you heartache down the road!

I had a hard time with this myself because I have a father who is also controlling in nature. You would think that it would make it easier for me to pick out. However, it actually makes it more difficult because I’m used to this behavior and so it feels familiar to me. But it doesn’t make it healthy. Just because certain personality traits are familiar and we usually leaned towards our comfort zone, doesn’t mean it’s right. Being able to know this is key to avoiding toxic relationships.

I’m going to share with a conversation I had over the course of a  few days with a man who started chatting with me on Facebook. Now I have never meet this man before in my life. See if you can pick out the controlling and manipulating words. It’s a little long, yet I wanted you to all see the flow of how it started and where it got derailed. I’m calling this man Tarzan as to hide his identity.

Wednesday 12:43pm

Tarzan: Tara thank you for accepting my friendship request

Me: your welcome  – 12:43pm

Tarzan: I’ve heard so much about you – 12:43pm

Me: really? lol good stuff I hope!

Tarzan: Oh yeah all good stuff I was inquiring about you anyway through a mutual friend of ours. You look stunning. – 12:45pm

Me:  ok, thanks

Tarzan: I’m just going to throw it out there, are you seeing anyone?? The reason why I’m asking is because I noticed that you really don’t have a status – 12:49pm

Me: I hide it because I get criticism if I am in a relationship and also if I am not from my readers/ followers.

Tarzan: I understand, I’m sorry if I’m being a bit forward . So how long have you been in a relationship for? – 12:51pm

Me: I’m not, we just broke up.

Tarzan; I’m sorry to hear that, it’s his loss. You feel like talking to me just remember you have a friend in Staten Island you talk to me anytime  – 12:54pm

Me: Yea well we were just in 2 differ places in our lives and not on the same path, so it is what it is.

Tarzan: I’m single too I just broke up with my girlfriend. Her and I are in two different places – 12:57pm

Me: How long were you 2 together?

Tarzan: We were together for 3 years. – 12:59pm

Me: That’s a while need some time for yourself now.

Tarzan: I’ve been officially single for about 6 months. Do you have a specific type of guy you normally date? – I’m sorry I don’t mean to be forward, I’m just inquisitive lol – 1:09pm

Me: Someone who can communicate their feelings, seems to be a hard thing to find these days. Who understands & respects my profession I work 24-7. Someone who is loyal – doesn’t lie or cheat. Is kind and considerate can handle an alpha female. – 1:12pm

Tarzan: I seem to have the opposite effect, I am very in touch with my feelings and can communicate and convey how I feel I guess because I’m a Scorpio lol. I don’t like liars or cheaters either.

Me: You’re the sensitive type who will lash out when he’s had too much, Virgos & Scorpios are not very compatible – 1:14pm

Tarzan: I need a woman who takes life serious and has a mutual respect for her partner. You’re a Virgo?

Me: Yes

Tarzan: What’s wrong with giving it a chance? Lol – 1:15pm

Me: haha other than we live on differ side of the US. I haven’t had good luck with long distant relationships.

Tarzan: It’s perfect you work 24 /7 I’m a New York City firefighter I could definitely make the time to come and see you any time. The best part is it doesn’t interfere with you being an alpha female.

Me: Hahaha – 1:20pm

Tarzan: What’s your nationality?

Me: Swedish/ German & Irish you? I haven’t had good luck w fire fighters either.  Dated 2 was engaged to 1.

Tarzan: Portuguese, French, American Indian, Scottish, black. You can’t judge a book by its cover we are all not bad. Are you there? – 1:25pm

Me: That’s a tall cup of coffee lol. What were your parents? – 1:26pm

Tarzan: Why thank you lol. Can you call me 1 XXX- XXX-XXXX? I’m still a novice when it comes to texting – 1:27pm

Me: Okay, but I’m busy formatting my radio/ TV show for tonight.

Tarzan: Lol, NP. My mother is Portuguese American Indian black and my father is French and Portuguese. Do you have kids? – 1:32pm

Me: Nope just a stepson I haven’t had much contact w since my divorce – 1:33pm

Tarzan: I don’t have any kids – 1:34pm

Me: How old r u? – 1:35pm

Tarzan: I’m 39 and u?

Me: 25

Tarzan: Do you have any issues dating an older guy? – 1:38pm

Me: I’m kidding I’m 35 – 1:38pm

Tarzan: Sorry for the typo, do you have an issue dating older guys?? You definitely fooled me you don’t look your age. I would figure 25. I guess you’re a feisty Virgo lol – 1:41pm

Me: Haha. Actually the last guy I was with was 25

Tarzan: My ex- girlfriend was 48 years old she was Irish and Italian.

Me: I always get picked up by the twenty something’s because I guess I look 10 years younger. At least that’s what everyone tells me – 1:43pm

Tarzan: You look great for your age. I’m going to throw it out there I’m definitely interested in you. – 1:44pm

Me: Thanks, she must have been feisty. I’m flattered, but like I said before not a big fan of LDR

Tarzan: No, she wasn’t she had a thyroid removed and our sex life went down the tubes from that point. No problem…. I’m still here for you, just in case you change your mind lol

Me: oh wow. That’s interesting because I have thyroid issues I’m on meds for it, I will not allow them to remove it completely. No way in hell! The people I know who have are worse off –  1:50pm

Tarzan: I was there when she had it removed and I was there after and I felt bad. She even has 3 kids one being severely autistic I stayed by her side through the whole thing – 1:51pm

Me: My step son was autistic that’s difficult

Tarzan: It’s almost like we have similar situations that run parallel to each other…lol

Me: hahaha in a way! You should take the free personality test I’m discussing with the president of this company Type Coach I’m having on my radio show tonight – 1:57pm

Tarzan: I hope one day I get a chance to meet you in person

Me: If you come to FL maybe – 1:59pm

Tarzan: Tonight’s a little tough I have to be at Randalls island for training.

Me: You have 48 hrs to take the test. This is your first assignment if you choose to accept it – 2:00pm

Tarzan: Lol what does this test in tail – 2:01pm

Me: 20 min of videos Q&A then it will give you your results of what your personality is – 2:03pm

Tarzan: So, you going to gauge my personality off this test to see if you would even consider dating me? Lol

Me: Possibly. Discussing tonight dating and personalities can an introvert date an extrovert? I’m both yet I like to go out & socialize yet I need my downtime. I can’t date an extreme introvert it drives me crazy. They just want to sit at home all the time.

Tarzan: I run about 3 miles a day – 2:13pm

Me: I work and work out and do my radio/ TV shows/ sponsor singles events, do tons of interviews and write new books. That’s basically my life right now 24-7. Id rather be composing a new book to promote. Or at a networking event making new biz contacts speaking of which I have a client coming in right now. TTYL – 2:14pm

Tarzan: Call me later

Tarzan: Hey there  – 3:54pm

Me: What’s up don’t u have to work? Or r u at work? – 3:55pm

Tarzan: I’m leaving in an hour. Are you busy? – 3:59pm

Me: I’m always busy lol – 4:01pm

Tarzan: I was just admiring your pictures before i hit the road, you’re very attractive

Me: Haha,  yes  I have lots of secret admirers

Tarzan: Alright simmer down lol. You have a guy from Staten Island its interest in you. Well that’s the reason why I want to talk to you on phone, so I can get a better feel of the person I’m speaking to

Me: how tall r u? – 4:16pm

Tarzan: 6′ 1″ 230lbs. How tall r u?

Me: 5 9 without heels 6 ft w heels

Tarzan: I think we would make a cute couple. ….lol . You know you can feel free to send me a picture

Me: I dated a guy who was 42 & it felt like he was 60

Tarzan: That sucks  – 4:27pm

Me: I’m young I still want to have kids

Tarzan: I definitely want to have kids. My ideal partner should have great qualities trustworthy honest loving sincere and sensitive along with being sensual – 4:32pm

Me: Yes and communicative and helping the other to achieve their individual goals in life

Tarzan: You seem like the perfect catch. And you’re wrong Scorpio and Virgo go great together

Me: haha says who?

Tarzan: “Google” lmao. What kind of guys are you attracted to appearance wise? Do you have a specific nationality that you date??

Me: tall dark and handsome

Tarzan: In my case would you take tall tan and handsome?

Me:  hmmm maybe …how do you think a family unit should function?

Tarzan: When you’re in a relationship are you very loyal and honest. That’s a loaded question you have to elaborate

Me: The roles a family unit play wife/ husband – mom/dad? What’s your ideal family life like, what do you do what does your wife do etc? just curious

Tarzan: My mother and father are still together. I’m just looking for the same family foundation that they have. They have a very good husband and wife role / partnership. They definitely respect each other and they have unconditional love for one another.

Me: Ok what I was looking for is are you more traditional? Do you think the woman should cook, clean, stay home w the kids while the man goes out & brings home the bacon? Or do you think both parents should work? Or the man stay with the children. Or do you think it should be 50/50

Tarzan: I know when the time comes I’m going be an excellent husband and dad

Me: lmao nice to way to get out of it. People have their ideals & values, I’m just trying to find out what yours are.  -5:54pm

Tarzan: I believe we can get so much more accomplished in a household if we both work together as partners. I’ve never been married. It’s a lot of work should be easier w the right person I would think. Sounds to me like you need a guy that’s pretty well rounded and grounded

Me: & smart & like to travel internationally I’ve been to 15 differ countries

Tarzan: Nice. Would you like me to call you? – 6:51pm – Okay thank you for your cooperation. You missed a call from Tarzan. . 6:55pm – I just tried to call u – 6:57pm

Me: call me from where? I just got out of the shower I’m getting ready to head over to the studios to record my show – 6:58pm

Tarzan: Okay ttyl – 7:13pm – I tried calling u from my cellphone

Me: How? You don’t have my #? – 10:15pm

Tarzan: I’m kidding around I don’t have your phone number – 10:22pm

Me: Ok…

Tarzan: Tara can you call me now?? 11:33pm. Hey there

Me: I’m re-viewing the show from tonight & getting ready for bed super tired – 11:39pm

Tarzan: Come on!! – 11:40pm

Me: sleeeeepy…. zzzz….. 11:40pm

Tarzan: I’m very disappointed – 11:41pm

Tarzan: :)) Goodnite

Thursday 12:22pm

Tarzan; Hey , How is your day going so far?

Tara: Busy u? 1:51pm

Tarzan: I just got home from work

Me: Nice how was it – 1:53pm

Tarzan: I saw your show it was interesting. It wasn’t bad I responded to two accidents and one structure fire

Me: Cool. I’m waiting on a client then have to meet another one in Tampa @ 3 – 2:03pm

Tarzan: Nice, Ttyl

Me: So do u normally work just 1 Day at a time? I thought normally it was like 3 days on 3 off- 4:23pm

Tarzan: I’ve already did 2/24 shifts. Why are u asking so many questions?? 4:27pm

Me : Just curious

Tarzan: I’m curious about something….do have a cellphone?? 4:30pm Okay thanks

Me: Yes – 4:35pm

Tarzan: Can you call me then or would you like me to call you, but in order for me to call you I need your phone number.

Me: Should I give out my # to a stranger I’ve never met? 4:41pm

Tarzan: I figured you might want to place the voice to the face especially since we’re Facebook buddies. You seem to want to know a lot about me, but when I want to know something about you it seems to be a big deal. It’s basic 101 friendship . Tty

Friday 5:10pm

Tarzan: Hey there

Saturday 8:50pm

Tarzan: How r u today?

Tarzan: Hey Tara 11:28pm

Tarzan: Where r u?  11:29pm

See how he keeps wanting my phone number and gets all pushy for it. I only chatted with him for 1 day and he got all bent out of shape about it. That’s someone who is mentally unstable. As a female why would I give out my phone number to someone I don’t know at all? Then joking around like he tried to call me was just weird. When he tried to force me to call him at almost midnight was being rude and not taking my feelings into consideration. I was exhausted. He then replies with “I’m disappointed” that’s him trying to guilt trip me into doing it. I don’t fall for guilt trips or have my buttons pushed anymore. So that didn’t work on me.

Then the following day he snaps at me when I ask him a simple question. It’s been 24 hours since I even knew this man existed and he’s flipping out because I wont give him my cell phone #? My god imagine if I was married to him & didn’t have dinner prepared right when he walked in the door! He needs to get a grip. Then he tries to make me feel bad when he says “You seem to want to know a lot about me, but when I want to know something about you it seems to be a big deal. It’s basic 101 friendship.” Ummm was he not part of the previous conversation? I shared a ton about my private life. He’s trying to manipulate & control me by trying to make me feel bad. Well honey you just met a dating coach, that crap doesn’t work on me.

You are the one who lets people control and manipulate you. If you are not an active participate, it fails. They need someone to control. They will only be happy when you are in their strong grip. They will never let you be free. He self-destructed all within about 48 hours. You see how I just left the conversation. There’s no point in trying to negotiate or have a civil conversation with someone with this personality because it will never work.  Save you time and energy and just walk away. It’s not worth it. Get out in the beginning because it will only get worse as time goes on. He’s a total ass then thinks I’m going to keep communicating with him, nope don’t give them anymore ammunition. Just let them be on their way.

Tara Richter
Tara Richter is an Internet Dating Coach in Tampa Bay. She is the author of “The Dating Jungle Series” and an Internet TV Show Host.