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He’s so nice, but…..

I’ve heard the beginning of this statement so many times by so many girlfriends and it has even come out of my mouth, “He’s so nice, but…. he cheated, he lied, he has a girlfriend in another state, he’s not divorced yet, he makes me feel bad.” Then he’s NOT a nice guy! We have to stop brain washing ourselves and thinking that everyone is nice. If his actions show him as inconsiderate, rude or mean then he is not a nice guy.

If we look up the definition of nice in the dictionary it states:
adjective nic·er, nic·est.
1. pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit.
2. amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.
3. characterized by, showing, or requiring great accuracy, precision, skill, tact, care, or delicacy: nice workmanship; a nice shot; a nice handling of a crisis.

Nowhere does it state nice as someone who manipulates, lies or cheats in the above definition. We need to stop making excuses and start being honest with ourselves and not giving anyone the benefit of the doubt until they prove themselves worthy.

One of my friends is freshly coming off a divorce and is very fragile. She met a guy off Match.com and went out with him a few times. He seemed like a nice guy, I even met him on the 4th of July. Then she tells me afterwards that he has a girlfriend back in Michigan and he hasn’t told her he’s dating other people yet. His girlfriend was supposed to move down to Florida, but hasn’t. He was given her a deadline that she needed to move by or he was breaking up with her. My mouth dropped open and I was assuming the next words from my friend would go something like this, “So then I dumped him and said I wasn’t going to play second fiddle.”

Instead she went on with the “nice guy” introduction. I protested back that he was not a nice guy! Why would anyone want to play second fiddle and wait around to see if this guy’s girlfriend will show up in a few weeks? He’s being dishonest with his current girlfriend, so why would he be honest with my friend? His tarnished character was showing already and she had only been on a few dates with him. Time to kick him to the curb! Which she did eventually.

If someone is not going to make you the top priority and give you a 100% why would you waste your time?  It’s definitely not fair to invest your heart and soul into someone and only receive 25% back in return. You would be upset with your bank if you deposited $1,000 into your checking account and next month when you went to withdraw it there was only $250 left. Heads would roll, managers would be called, letters written to newspapers and everyone would know! Why is it when the same thing happens in relationships we let them get away with it? We keep giving and they keep withdrawing without ever making a deposit and we just say, “Oh he’s a nice guy, but he’s just too busy to go out with me on my birthday.” Invest in yourself and only partner with someone who will increase your stock.

Tara Richter is an Internet Dating Coach in Tampa Bay. She is the author of “The Dating Jungle Series” and an Internet TV Show Host.